I woke up this morning thinking I would head the coffee shop, sit down and write a blog on goals and dreams, and when it’s time to pull the plug on endeavors that aren’t’ progressing. Because when a crop isn’t growing the farmer doesn’t just continue to pour tons of water and gobs of fertilizer over the crop. The farmer stops, rethinks, gets creative and heads in a different direction.
BUT that’s not what this blog is about….because that’s not where my head is at. Nope, this blog is about guilt.
Today is Monday. I don’t typically work on Mondays. I took today as a writing day because I am swimming, naw let’s get real, I am drowning in content writing for my new website. So, I took today, and walked out of the house and headed to Vic’s coffee shop to write. But I feel guilty. I actually have visceral sensations of guilt. Nausea, lump in my throat, jittery feeling in body, every part of me is putting up a fight and resisting being here. I am convincing myself I have nothing to say. I am telling myself I drank too much wine last night and don’t have a clear head. I am entertaining going to the gym and working out, because really another day SHOULD not go by that I don’t workout. I am wincing thinking that while I sit here in peace, with a cup ‘o joe and uninterrupted thoughts, the toilets remain grungy, the bed sheet are not washing themselves, the house remains in disarray. I am telling myself I miss my children and should be home with them, because after all it is my day off. I am feeling even worse about the fight I had with my husband yesterday, because I am not there making up for yesterdays lost moments.
But, I also know that if I get up and walk out of her here, I am walking out on myself. I am walking out on my life.
Sure, my children will feel better because mama came home early. And yes, my husband would love to spend one of his days off with me puttering around the house. And, yes, going home would mean my toilets will sparkle, and the bedsheets will smell dryer fresh, and the house will feel settled and in order. But I have to ask myself, so where would that leave me? At the end of today, after jumping ship on my goals, after ditching out on my desires, after acquiescing to my guilt, where would that leave me?
If I give up on myself I am giving up on MY life; the life that is uniquely mine. I will continue to loose sleep over not being caught up with my business affairs, I will continue to feel tired of hearing myself say it over and over again, “I need to take some time for myself to get caught up on the business, to workout, to feel peace, to access friendship”….
So, I am not leaving. I am staying here to honor myself. I am following through, I am watering my crops and hoping they grow. Because I know if I never water my life it won’t have a chance to flourish…I am laying fertilizer down on dreams because I am investing in my personal and professional happiness. Today is about making an investment in self.
And as I write this I am noticing that every time sensations of guilt creep up, and believe me, it’s like every minute, so I have lots of opportunity to work on it…. But when it’s up for me, I am finding my breath. I breathe through my guilt. I am remembering what I am doing and why, I am accepting that I am human, a mother, a daughter, a wife, a professional that needs a lot of tender, loving care. I am thanking my guilt because it’s a reminder of how deeply invested in caring for my life I am. And I am remembering that I can’t care for my life if I am not caring for myself.
And SO, today, this MONDAY, that I usually don’t work, this is a day of self care, care for my sweet soul. And when this day is done, I will not loose sleep. I will rest assured this was a day well lived for myself.